The Story of a Caregiver

We had a meeting with the NO this past week. Even though I’ve corrected Mike a couple of times about the growth of his tumor, when Dr C asked him about what we talked about the last visit, he said it was better. The Dr didn’t correct him at the time, but later he did mention the growth and that things weren’t looking good. He said we could discontinue the Optune due to the cost/ benefit, but we’ll keep having the Avastin treatments because it also helps with symptoms. For now. He said it could be a month or several months. Again, I’m not sure Mike understood. That could be self preservation. We talked about palliative care and hospice. He’ll stay here at the condo until the end, if I have anything to say about it.

An old friend had a party planned for Saturday night that we weren’t sure if we were going to attend. Not sure if he’d be up for it. About 15 minutes before the party started, he got up and said he was going. He was a little teary. I think he knew it might be the last time he sees everyone. It was a game night, but he didn’t participate in the games. He just talked to people he doesn’t get to see much. One person, who I thought was one of his best friends, didn’t even walk across the room to say hello. Maybe he’s having trouble seeing his friend like this, but I’m having a really hard time forgiving him. I know, I can’t let people take my peace. And he doesn’t know what I know. It’s just hard.

As for me, I have carpal tunnel issues in both hands (which I think I mentioned). I’m having surgery soon, and I worry about how I’ll care for Mike while recovering. I don’t think I’m supposed to lift anything, much less a 250 pound man. Or even his 10 or so pound walker I have to lift into the car when we go to the Dr. I’m not good at asking for help, but I may need it. Honestly, I don’t want to think about it, so I’ll probably stick my head in the sand for a week or so. Productive, I know.

I’ve been trying to make it to an online caregiver group meeting for a while. If I remember correctly, it’s through the Zen Center. I could use some Zen. I always find a reason not to attend. I don’t get home early enough. I can’t find the link. I don’t know what’s holding me back, but I have heard caregivers don’t take care of themselves. Maybe that’s it. Maybe I don’t feel like my burden is bad enough to deserve the support.

If any gentle readers are caregivers, please prioritize yourself, at least sometimes.