The Story of a Caregiver

I was beginning to think I wouldn’t have time to get back to this blog. If you too are a caregiver, you get it.

I’m going to make myself vulnerable here. I’ve mentioned before that Mike and I have a non-conventional relationship. So imagine my surprise one night last year when he said, in bed, in the dark, in tears, that the one thing he regretted was us never getting married. At the time, it wasn’t possible because I had never filed for divorce from my ex. I just said I’m sorry or something banal. Shortly after, though, I contacted a lawyer and got things moving. It took quite a while, but I finally got the papers, and I told him I was finally divorced. That’s all I said. He cried again, but didn’t say anything. I considered asking him to marry me, but I was afraid of what his family would think. Most of the time he’s not all there cognitively, and I didn’t want them to think I was taking advantage of the situation to get my hands on his assets. It took me a while, but I gathered up the nerve to talk to his brother about it, and he loved the idea. He didn’t think anyone would have a problem with it, and he thought it would make Mike happy. Again, after a while, I got up the nerve to bring it up to Mike. I guess I could have just said “will you marry me?” That’s not what I did. I told him I’d been thinking of what he said that night, and asked him what he’d think of us getting married now. He sat with it for a while and said he’d tried marriage before and it didn’t work out so well (they were married 3 years, including the 6 months of separation required in VA before they allow a divorce). I think I reminded him we’d been “together” longer than they were married. Then again, I’ve always said I’d never get married again.  We talked about why I was asking and why I didn’t before and all sorts of things, and then the conversation sort of wandered off. As we were leaving, and I was helping him into the car, he looked at me and said “you know, I never said no”. I said I know, or something, and we went home. That was a couple of weeks ago, and neither of us had said a word about it. Honestly,  I don’t know for sure he even remembers the conversation. Now I don’t know if I should bring it up and discuss it until I get a yes or no answer or if I should just leave it. I do love him, but maybe there’s something similar to Stockholm Syndrome going on. He’s not my captor, but his disability limits my movements. If I wanted to marry him, why didn’t I get divorced earlier so we could? Why was I willing to move away before everything came crashing down? Or maybe I just want him to be happy and not have regrets. Is that a reason to get married? I’ve heard worse. Maybe he knows that and maybe he doesn’t want me if that’s why I’d be doing it. Then maybe I should just talk to him.

Forgive me, dear readers, for going on a tangent. I guess I needed to get this out, and it’s a little embarrassing to approach with friends.

I missed another Caregivers’ Support Group this evening. Maybe that’s the group I should bring this up to. I never understood how being a caregiver almost changes your brain. Everything changes.

Hopefully, I won’t go so long without posting next time. And maybe I’ll even have an update.